A Fat Liberation Manifesto II
A Fat Liberation Manifesto II
Confronting Hunger, Shame, and Society's Expectations.
Being so fucking hungry all the time is exhausting, especially as a fat woman. I recently saw this video and I just felt seen.
The part that really struck a chord was when he said that he had been dieting for a photoshoot and his sister asked how he was holding up. He confessed that he was always hungry. To the point where he could have just finished a meal, but he'd be tapping his fingers, thinking about the next one.
At that point, my eyes welled up with tears and my nose started running. I felt seen and understood, knowing that I'm not the only one who gets hungry all the time. Who, when they finish a meal, are already thinking about the next one?
I don't know how to explain constantly feeling hungry to someone who has never experienced it, but I'll try.
For me, it's like being controlled, kinda like hypnosis. It's like my mind is not my mind and if I don't eat I'll die.
You know that feeling when you're in line and waiting for your turn? That's how my stomach feels waiting for food. It's almost painful.
The constant feeling of being in a loop, there but not quite there. It's exhausting.
It's like a compulsion. The truth is, I can't control myself around food. I feel almost ashamed to admit it. That I am a slave to my body.
So when I saw the video and heard him explaining how I constantly feel, I wept silently.
I have forever thought of myself as greedy, a glutton, and lacking in self-control. But maybe I'm not any of that. Maybe I have a problem. I dunno.
Society constantly tells us that being fat is a choice, not considering the genetics, hormones, mental and psychological factors. There is more to being fat than just eating and food, but it does play a role.
I didn't become fat because I like food. Nope. It was rather a series of events that culminated in me adding weight. But sometimes I wonder if I had eaten less or if I had starved myself, maybe I would not have added on so much.
In the video, the guy talked about how his sister would wake up at the crack of dawn to exercise. I've never done that. And I constantly feel bad. I constantly berate myself for not being able to exercise or go out more or do more. I've tried. The treadmill, stationary bike, jump rope, but I've never held out. No matter how badly I wanted to lose weight in the past, I guess I didn't want it badly enough.
My hands are shaking as I type this, and my eyes are blurry with tears. But hearing that I'm not the only one, that another person also feels hungry all the time and has to constantly fight the urge to eat, is reassuring. It makes me wonder if there's more to my struggle than just a lack of willpower.
There is nothing wrong with being fat, and I like my fat body and I appreciate it for all it does for me. But sometimes I wish I were thin so that I could have it easier. So that doctors won't constantly look at me and blame my weight for my symptoms. So that people won't see me and immediately think I'm lazy. I want to be more than just a body.
However, I realize that that's exactly what they want. They want me to hate the body I exist in so that I'll subscribe to their diets and shape wears.
But why can't my existence NOT be political? Why must I always be trying to prove something to someone? Yes, I live in a fat body that's often hungry. But I also live with dreams, ambitions, love, and a desire to be understood.
My existence doesn't have to be political. It doesn't have to prove anything to anyone. It simply is. And that - just being, just existing as I am - is enough.
I'll continue to fight for my right to exist without shame, to be seen as more than just my weight, and to live my life free from the oppressive standards that try to diminish my humanity.
Note: This is part two of an ongoing series, ‘A Fat Liberation Manifesto’:
