I Don’t Think You’re Beautiful—And That’s Not an Insult.

Rethinking compliments, value, and the myth of objective beauty.

Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

I hate the adjective beautiful. Especially when it's used to refer to a human being, specifically a woman.

Not that beauty is bad or that it's wrong to be beautiful. But the issue here is, what is beauty? And who gets to decide who is beautiful?

If you call a person beautiful, you immediately imply that there must be someone who isn't beautiful. Because for beautiful to even exist, it must mean that ‘ugly’ does.

And therein lies the issue. I don't believe in ‘ugly’. I don't believe in unattractive. And I definitely don't agree that some people are prettier than others.

My friend likes to argue with me that aren't there people I see and just go, ewww? I tell her that, 1. no one is ewww. And 2. it's because we've been conditioned to judge people and label them eww or ugly based on our own ideas of beauty. She then made the argument of babies who immediately burst into tears when they see certain people. Like people with visible physical disabilities. But, this doesn't mean that these people are ugly or disgusting. It just shows how early the conditioning starts and the fact that the babies are not used to seeing these kind of people. So of course they will cry. It has nothing to do with how they ‘beautiful’ or ‘ugly’ they are.

Beauty is not objective truth. You calling someone beautiful doesn't mean it's true. Because again there is no one definition of beauty. What has been thought of as beautiful has changed with time and varies from region to region.

If beauty is not the same throughout the world, why do we treat it like it's a fact. Like the badge ‘beautiful’ is one of honor - that only a few people who were either lucky enough to look the way that the society they exist in appreciate or who got work done to fit into the mold.

A badge that we give to some people and don't give to others over something completely out of their control. Something they have absolutely nothing to do with. It's not a disabled person's fault they're disabled. Neither is it a fat person's fault that their fat. It's not anyone's fault that they're not shaped like an hourglass.

We act like calling someone beautiful is always a compliment. But I don’t want to be complimented in a way that automatically places someone else below me. I don’t want to be praised for fitting into a system that shames others for existing outside it. That’s not a compliment. That’s a cage.

Some might say that me calling one person beautiful doesn't take away from another person. That beauty isn't a zero-sum game where complimenting one person means implicitly insulting everyone else. But I disagree.

When we say someone is beautiful, we are making a comparison, whether we intend to or not. I've witnessed conversations where people say things like, "I wouldn't call her beautiful, but at least she's smart" — as if intelligence is the consolation prize for those who don't meet beauty standards. This kind of thinking reveals how deeply ingrained our hierarchical view of beauty truly is.

The very fact that we feel the need to categorize people as "beautiful" or "not beautiful" speaks volumes. It suggests that beauty is a significant metric of a person's worth, especially for women. Why else would we see people light up with validation when called beautiful? Why would we offer "but she's smart" as compensation for not being conventionally attractive?

This system of valuation affects everyone. Those deemed "beautiful" become tethered to their appearance, their worth constantly tied to something as fleeting as looks. They may feel pressure to maintain this status, to fight against time and nature. Meanwhile, those who don't fit the narrow definition of beauty are made to feel less-than, unworthy of the same admiration and respect.

I've seen friends exhaustively pursue validation through beauty — the right makeup, clothes, diets, even surgery. And for what? To earn a label that only has meaning because we've collectively decided some people don't deserve it?

When I refuse to participate in labeling people as beautiful or not, I'm not denying that humans have aesthetic preferences. I'm refusing to participate in a system that ranks human beings based on arbitrary physical traits. I'm rejecting the notion that how closely someone adheres to current beauty standards should determine how we value them.

What if instead of saying "you're beautiful," we were more specific and intentional with our compliments? "I love how your eyes crinkle when you laugh." "The way you carried yourself during that presentation was captivating."

Beauty shouldn't be a competition. It shouldn't be a hierarchy. And it certainly shouldn't be a primary measure of a person's worth.

Notice how people who are seen as "not beautiful" are expected to compensate in some way - intelligence, humor, or submissiveness. As if existing in a body that doesn't conform to arbitrary standards creates a debt that must be repaid.

Look at how the fat side characters in pop media are always the funny ones or the butt of the jokes. "She ain't pretty but at least she's funny..." The message is clear: if you can't be beautiful, you better be useful or entertaining in some other way. Your mere existence isn't enough.

I'm not perfect either. Sometimes I see a conventionally attractive person and have the instinctive urge to compliment their appearance. I've been conditioned too—we all have. But I'm learning to pause and reflect before I speak.

I'm learning that people are more than just bodies or faces. I'm learning to compliment what people can actually control, what they put work and effort into. What really matters. Like their creative expression, their insights, their kindness, or the way they've mastered a skill.

When we stop using "beautiful" as the gold standard of compliments, we start seeing people more fully. We acknowledge their humanity beyond the superficial. We create space for everyone to be valued for who they are rather than how closely they approximate current beauty trends.

So no, I don't think you're beautiful. I think you're a complex, multifaceted human being who deserves to be seen and valued for far more than how your physical appearance ranks on some arbitrary scale. And that's not an insult.

Because you deserve to take up space in this world without having to earn it through beauty or anything else. Your worth isn't contingent on how pleasing says you are to look at. It just is. And once we all understand that, maybe we can finally break free from the cage.