So, about this whole 'biological children' thing...

Because love not DNA makes a family

Photo by Annika Marek-Barta on Unsplash

I recently saw this post by

Azeezah

you can check it out below.

On the question of abortion

She was basically talking about why she supports abortions and all. But that's not the purpose of this article or rant or think piece (whatever you want to call it). However, she said something which really struck me:

“...I never understood the obsession with having biological children anyway.”

~Azeezah

This was something I had always been afraid to say out loud—the fact that I was perfectly content not having biological kids. The fact that I wasn't craving it. Sure, I get the occasional baby fever, but that’s about it. I don’t yearn to be pregnant. I used to when I was younger, but let’s just say I’ve been disillusioned.

And these thoughts scared me. But hearing someone else say it out loud, declare it, made me brave.

I don’t get the hype around biological children. I’d much rather adopt.

Now it’s all coming together—the reason I never really felt much sympathy for people who had the means and were in positions to adopt but wouldn’t because they were waiting for their own child. In my head, an adopted child is just as valid as a biological one. Who cares if they came out of your womb or not? I guess they cared.

Thinking about it now, it goes beyond just personal preference. The fact that people will spend millions of naira trying to conceive, when they could use that money to adopt a baby, is very baffling to me. I just don’t get it. Am I missing something? Is there a memo being passed around?

And this isn’t just about adults and their choices. It is this same attitude of “I want my own child” that makes a lot of adopted kids go looking for their real—and by real, I mean biological—parents. If we’ve already conditioned ourselves to believe that the only legit type of family is the one related by blood, then what’s stopping these kids from feeling like they need to find their real parents?

Because tell me why—you will feed, clothe, support, and love a child. Do everything a good parent is supposed to do. And then, one day, that child will be looking for their real parents. Nawa o. For some, it’s about curiosity or closure, and I get that. But for many, it’s the way we’ve conditioned ourselves to see biology as the ultimate marker of family.

Of course, I know that adoption is not easy. Yes, there are a lot of barriers. But in my opinion, if you really want a child and you're not getting one biologically, you could give the adoption route a try.

Honestly, I think I'd like to see more stories like that. Stories about people who wanted biological children and couldn’t have them—but found their lovely children through adoption.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? We don’t hear enough of those stories. Adoption is rarely framed as an act of love or a valid first choice. Instead, it’s treated as a last resort, a Plan B when all else fails. And that needs to change.

There are so many children in the world who need forever homes and love. I think it's okay to want to be that for a child.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a parent. Is it the shared DNA or the countless hours spent nurturing a child? Is it the labor of childbirth or the labor of love?

The truth is, if a parent isn't capable of loving their child - adopted or biological - unconditionally, then they aren't capable. If it didn't dey, it didn't dey. Because we've all heard horror stories of biological parents treating their biological children like trash and property. I'd say that the measure of love a parent will have for their child isn't about blood or not. Again, if it didn't dey, it didn't dey.

And this brings me to a thought I keep circling back to...

Sometimes, I wonder if our obsession with having biological children stems from a place of ego. That desire to have a “mini-me”, to immortalise ourselves in some way? To be able to say, this person came from me. But then, isn't it more powerful or equally powerful to say to a child, “I choose you. I love you. Not because you came from me but because you are.”

If and when I decide to become a parent, I want to be the person who shows them the world, who teaches them to fly bike and hop from danfo to danfo, who sits with them through heartbreaks and celebrations. I don't need them to have my nose or my talents. I just need them to know they are chosen, wanted, and loved.