The Urgent Need for Men to Decenter Other Men

Via Ameenat Adebadejo On TikTok

I saw this TikTok post from,

From Aminat’s POV

above, let me just say “light bulb moment!”

Everything suddenly made sense. And I knew I just had to write about it. So yeah, here is my take on the issue.

Everything she said in the TikTok is totally and utterly true. Yes, men need to work hard to decenter other men from their lives.

Many women are doing the work and learning to decenter men from their lives and their minds, and I’m here for it.

When we say “decenter”, we mean many women have stopped dressing for the male gaze, and have stopped doing things with the intention of “finding a husband”. They have stopped making themselves smaller because they feel men won’t like the REAL them. They have stopped considering men’s opinions of them when they are making decisions. Periodt.

The Problem with Centering Men

From a young age, society conditions us to prioritize men. Whether it's the expectation for women to seek male approval or the pressure on men to assert dominance and seek validation from other men, the centrality of men is a pervasive issue.

This is a bad thing because it makes us not live for ourselves, but for others. How exhausting it must be to constantly put oneself in a box and police all of one’s decisions not because of morality, but because a man somewhere won’t like it.

As a woman, you think, “If I wear this, men will think I’m an ashewo.”

As a man, you think, “If I wear this, men will call me a woman. And that’s a bad thing.”

As a woman, you think, “If I do this men will think I’m too strong and no man will want to marry me.”

As a man, you think. “If I do this, men will think I’m too weak. They will say na woman I be”.

It’s not a good life to live, and I’m glad many women are finally doing the work. But it’s high time men put in the work too.

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Impacts on Mental Health

Living to please others, especially in a gendered context, can take a significant toll on mental health. For women, it can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and a constant feeling of inadequacy. For men, the pressure to conform to masculine ideals can result in emotional suppression, aggression, and a fear of vulnerability. Both scenarios prevent individuals from living their fullest, most authentic lives.

The Work Ahead for Men

While many women are making strides in decentering men from their lives and decisions, the same cannot be said for most men. Men are still largely conditioned to center other men's opinions and seek male validation. This perpetuates a toxic cycle of masculine norms and expectations that harm both men and women.

For men to truly decenter other men from their lives, they must be willing to confront and unlearn deeply ingrained societal conditioning. This involves:

1. Challenging traditional masculine norms: Men must question and reject rigid gender roles that pressure them to be dominant, unemotional, and constantly seeking approval from other men.

2. Embracing vulnerability: Men should feel free to express their full range of emotions without fear of being labelled "weak" or "feminine." Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

3. Dismantling the "bro code": The unwritten rules that govern male friendships often reinforce harmful behaviours like objectifying women, suppressing emotions, and engaging in risky activities to prove one's masculinity.

4. Uplifting women's voices: Rather than dismissing or diminishing women's perspectives, men must actively listen to and amplify women's voices, especially on issues that disproportionately affect them.

5. Confronting other men: When men witness other men engaging in misogynistic, discriminatory, or harmful behaviors, they must be willing to call it out and hold each other accountable.

Decentering men from our lives is not about hating or excluding men; it's about rejecting the notion that men's opinions and approval should be the default lenses through which we view the world.

For true progress to occur, both men and women must be willing to do the difficult work of unlearning and relearning. Only then can we create a more equitable and liberated society for all.