20 Things I Unlearned Before 20

Leaving behind who I was told to be.

I had planned to finish this essay before my birthday and post it on the day. But life rarely goes according to plan. I was suddenly overcome with this weird, heavy feeling, like melted ice cream had seeped into my brain.

But, as my mum says ‘it's not everything we do that we feel like doing.’ So, I may not want to post this, but I will.

P. S. This intro (below) was written in a happy moment 😭. I'm not feeling that way now, but I’m posting it anyway.

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*internally screaming* cause what do you mean I'm twenty? Like, there's no more ‘teen’ in my age. That's wild. My womb is almost fully developed, and by next year I'd be baby ready (physically speaking of course).

It feels like just yesterday when I wrote an essay celebrating my eighteenth birthday, my big entrance into adulthood.

Eighteen and Flourishing: Eighteen Feminist Lessons I’ve Learned

And now here I am, writing another listicle-style essay. This time, I'm chronicling my growth as a person, a woman, and a feminist.

It's wild how much a person can change while still being fundamentally themselves.

Here are 20 things, 20 ideas, 20 beliefs I had before I turned 20 that I've since left behind. Some of these beliefs I haven't believed in for like 3-4 years but all of these beliefs I believed in, at one point in my life. — - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1. I used to call myself a TERF (Trans Exclusive Radical Feminist). Thankfully, this phase didn't last long. It was because of the brand of feminism I was exposed to at first. But, once I began to think for myself and actually listen to Trans people, it started making sense. A feminism that is not inclusive is not feminism. And the existence of trans women doesn't take away from mine, or your womanhood. There's space for all of us.

2. I thought women were too emotional. I don't know why it didn't click then that men are not paragons of logic and objectivity, they get angry - a lot - and that's an emotion too. Besides men would be better off if they felt their emotions, all of them. Maybe they'd be less sad.

3. I said I would never vote for a female president. Sigh, I'm trying not to beat myself up because I've done the work and I've grown, which is more than I can say for a lot of older people. Because whyyyy? My excuse then was that women are too emotional. Well look at where the people who are less emotional have taken us: climate disaster, wars, poverty, left right and center. If anything, I think the world needs more softness and feelings in its leadership.

4. I used to think that men had to be strong and have their life together once they reached adulthood. But men are humans too and biological differences between men and women are not backed by science. So if we can give women grace, then men deserve it too.

5. I said female friends were troublesome and that male friends are better. I'm so ashamed to have ever thought this. But I know better now. A lot of guys don't know how to be friends. Maybe because they've been conditioned to only show emotions within the confines of romantic relationships. And so platonically it's just surface level. That would explain why being friends with a guy would be less ‘drama’, because it would be less connecting and less emotions.

6. I thought body hair on women was unfeminine, unhygienic, and disgusting (Thanks mom). I was perfectly fine with my hair o, till my mum made me start shaving even after I told her I'd rather not. It would have been better if she had held my brother to the same standard. So I learned shame that was never mine to begin with. But thank god I'm stubborn sha, because although I may never go back to my non shaving life, I now know that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

7. I believed in the construct of beauty. This one is a journey for me. Because I'm still unlearning it. But when I say beauty as a construct, you should check this one out:

8. I thought people should 'dress for their bodies. A lot of women still fall for this one but I think everything looks good on me. I don't care for my hiding a part of my body. It's okay if I want to highlight a certain feature I love, but to claim that if I wear body con dresses as someone who is apple shaped I'll look ugly, is just utter rubbish.

9. I thought I had to look a certain way to be respected - i.e. dress the way society says an adult or a sane person should dress. I'm going to be the type of person who wears whimsical clothes, and dresses weird. Whoever made those rules of what's acceptable to wear, was clearly unhappy.

10. I thought I'd be married by 20 with kids at 22. I must have really been living in delulu land. Cause what?

11. I wanted to find this big love of my life. It was really important to me too. But we thank god, I'm over that. I'm still very much a romantic and I still love love but I'm not obsessed anymore.

12. I thought that love had to be chaotic or messy to be true. Thank god for my best friend, he taught me that love doesn't have to be filled with arguments and commotion and pain to be true. He taught me that it's normal to have a relationship without the fighting.

13. I thought being palatable was necessary to be loved. I thought I had to make myself smaller, less me, more likeable in order to find love. But not anymore. I know now that all of me is loveable.

14. I thought that if I said no my friends would leave me. Which is very dumb, because my friends have sense. It's just sometimes irrational fears are all they are, fears.

15. I thought that I have to have it all figured out by a certain age (20) *laughs in delulu*. I blame this one on young age. 20 used to feel so old and mature but now that I'm there, omo I'm still a baby.

16. I used to think that my academic performance measured my worth. Hmmm, let me not lie, I still believe this one. But I'm working through it. Funniest part no one is putting pressure on me, I'm my own worst critic.

17. I used to think that if I asked my parents for money as an adult, I was a failure. Extreme, I know, I know. But it really was that deep to me. These days, I'm all for relying on one's parent in fact my parents will have to chase me away because I don't have shame.

18. I believed billionaires worked hard enough to deserve such wealth. Mtcheww. I'm glad I have sense now.

19. I used to think that Grief needed to look a certain way to be valid.

20. I thought my trauma had to be like other people's to be damaging enough. I used to compare a lot, in my mind what I was going through wasn't significant enough to warrant my reaction because other people had it worse and they were fine. These days, I know that as long as it affected me, then it's important enough.

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I don't remember exactly when I stopped believing a lot of these things. It wasn’t overnight. But one thing I know for sure? I’ve always kept an open mind. And that made all the difference.

As I always say: Question EVERYTHING.

Not every time you swallow propaganda hook, line, and sinker. Just because your parents told you, or a celebrity said it.

If I can unlearn, relearn, and grow, then so can you.