I'm sad for you. Mainly because you've convinced yourself that dehumanizing men and women by default is a good thing. Men who hate women also hate other men. Why? Because most women are actually surrounded by men who love them. And those men who hate women can't stand it. They want other men to hate women too. They preach it like the gospel. Those men are dangerous to both men and women. So you're no lover of women or yourself because you can't see men as anything but evil and somehow disappointing a loved one by way of being human is equivalent to rape and murder in your eyes. All women are loving and saints to you. You see a mother and dont see a woman whose convincing her sweet 6 year old neighbor boy to perform fallacio as a game and telling him how big of a man he is. You dont see the women convincing a gay boy to kill himself or how his grandma calls him a pussy or a bitch everyday because of how high his voice is at 10. You and women like you ignore even other women's abuse at the hands of their mothers. My partner, a female, was abused for years and years at the hands of her mother and she can barely speak on it without you "not all women" types. She didn't have a father because her mom was abusive and a pathological liar. The man who sored her probably doesn't even know she exists. Until I met my partner I had no idea myself the depths of some ppl let alone women. Because ironically the idea of women as perfect and harmless and men as evil and dangerous inherently is in fact sexist. The idea that both are equally capable of good and bad is in fact truth and women do as much evil and as much good as men but we live in a sexist world. Israel is a great example of how evil women are capable of being if we both gave them the opportunity and didnt ignore it when it happened.
Signed, a rape victim of a woman and an abuse survivor of a woman.
I'm sorry you went through abuse at the hand of a woman. No one deserves that. ❤️
However, I'm not saying that women don't abuse or that they are saints, far from it in fact. This is actually a personal essay. It's about my feelings and experience.
I feel where you coming from and I felt like this after my assault but other men who were also victims, told me I can't stay in this space. It's not freeing to live in hatred of women. I didnt live there long though. There's not many spaces that ain't racist af where you can sit in hatred of Black women. What would you say to me if I wrote about seeing child abusers and rapists in the eyes of my own women? If I saw no innocent Black women everywhere? I'd be a misogynist. Its your feelings and thoughts sis but you and others see no wrong in this way of seeing the world.
this is amazingly written. also thanks for the perspective. bell hooks spoke about it a fair bit but it hits different seeing someone who’s probably around my age and in my general demographic describe it so anecdotally and with such raw pain. it was like blunt force trauma to something inside me. truthfully i don’t know yet what to do with it or how to react. maybe just remind myself to be better? somehow that doesn’t feel enough either. any which way i’m grateful that you had the courage to share.
Are you in Nigeria or the west? Living in a patriarchal society must feel oppressive and unfair. Even living in supposedly “free” societies can be terrifying. I am so sorry little sister.
i relate so much. people always ask why do you hate men instead of looking and analyzing the actions that men portray that would propel a woman to hate them. women don’t hate men for no reason. im lesbian and my hatred for men have absolutely nothing to do with my attraction to women, im not attracted to men at all and my disdain for them is because of their actions, reinforcement of patriarchal norms and misogyny.
If we asked men the age they were when they first felt sexualized, when they first noticed someone looking at them with attraction, most would say it was in their late teens. Ask women, and many will recall the first time the hairs on their neck stood up, long before they even turned ten. We have been in harm's way since the womb, and we've been labeled spiteful when, in truth, we are simply the hunted, targeted not for who we are, but for the sake of domination and humiliation.
Impressive. You managed to dodge the entire point and project your issues in one comment. Must be exhausting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 10 cats to hug, each one more emotionally intelligent than you.
The cats and I read your comment. We all agreed it was beneath us, especially since cats are actually highly intelligent creatures. Don’t worry though, your fantasy about my corpse says more about your mental state than mine.
Just know that feminism sold you a pile of rubbish. To be consumed by pet cats has to be the ultimate insult that can be visited on a feminist, by feminism.
I think the targeting is for who we are. I mean there are certainly men who want to dominate and humiliate everyone they come across... but I think they are a subset. For many more men, I think it's because they desire us and because they can't stand that we might not be as loving and attentive as mommy. There's that saying about how the sexes relate to each other: a man's worst fear is that a woman will laugh at him. A woman's worst fear is that a man will kill her. I've seen for myself and heard from women in my life, how that glowering rage appears when a woman has laughed at him or humiliated him--by his standards not hers, and likely without her even meaning to. It can happen when she's good at something and he feels inept by comparison.
It can happen when she's thinking about herself when he wants her attention on him. The guys who react badly to that are the very bad guys.
Well, there are also some boys who are early sexual targets; usually it's other men or older boys who are targeting them. Only sometimes is it a creepy woman. Very rarely, by comparison.
I knew a guy who was molested by his older cousin. It messed him up.
What you said just now made me think about what it's like to be seen lustfully...
as a girl, one learns pretty quickly what some people think your role should be. I wondered therefore if that old friend of mine "learned" that his role should be ____ and was deeply confused by that, for life.
I wonder how other boys who are molested deal with being a sexual object. Girls get so many messages... if we're lucky our moms tell us we should ignore the bad messages... but some moms might not know when their daughter starts feeling eyes on her, I'm thinking.
It's a rough world. And it's sliding backwards from where it was in the 90s, in my opinion, for where I am, anyway. It's now ok to say the most offensive things! I don't know how it was where you are but where I am, I was so shocked when the millennials started showing so much bias and crudity!
Well, you gave me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be puzzling over what happened to the guys I know who were in the situation if being perved on, and if they reacted anything at all like the women I know--afraid and worried from that point forward. I know lots of women who've been objectified from their earliest days. We all do, right? ... I was so frightened the first time a guy yelled out his car window at me... I didn't even develop as early as many of my friends, poor girls. W any woman even have to explain that to another woman? I doubt it.
My caution and any fear is backed up by the steady stream of abuse, harrassment, and threats I have received throughout my lifetime. It has made me shrink into myself. I am no longer the friendly child I started out as. Experience has shown me even the "good men" excuse and shield those who have harmed me and others. The most scared I have been in my life has been with men who were family or had said they loved me.
I was totally horrified to ask I read this and I could feel your fear as a woman
Coming to the comments section didn't help either cos what everyone seems to be saying is how women are better off living without men.
But then I thought too my self how come I've never thought of hitting a woman, how come I've never been violent to a woman, why do I have so many female friends despite the fact that I'm not good looking or wealthy.
You're dealing with two sides of a coin and it's sad that you think you're the only one who is not safe.
In this 21st century where women are high in power, where only an allegation of harassment can bring you down, even if it's not true (Johnny Depp and Amber heard case).
Even "NORAH VINCENT" tried living as a man and discovered how hard it was.
All I'm saying is this let go of that idea that every man is try to hurt you, and stop making it look like every man is a monster. There's a lot of young girls out here, you wouldn't want to be the reason why they spend the rest of their lifes in phobia of men.
Ayo, You are making this “second wave” feminist rethink some of my comments about women who say they hate all men. Your experiences have legitimately fueled this feeling As someone who doesn’t hate all men, I can understand why you do.
You’re having a visceral reaction based on the truth your body is telling you. Thank you for so bravely sharing that truth because I honestly didn’t get it until now.
I too have been harmed, betrayed, threatened by, diminished, and just plain scared almost to death by many men in my life. Other men have stepped up to be my protectors.
My brother would never say what your brother said. In your position, hating all men makes sense to me.
As far as David goes, you are referencing statistics that have nothing to do with Ayo’s reality or her feelings. Instead of learning from her and really trying to understand her reality, you are diminishing her and her very real fear. How manly of you. You prove her point even as you try to do the opposite.
Like you, Ayo, I have walked through much of my life afraid. Now that I’m older, it’s not as much of a problem. That’s one of the blessings of aging. Even so, the comment about how when women hate men we just want them to leave us alone, and when men hate women they intrude on our space, really hit home.
Thank you for your courage and for helping me reach a new understanding of women who hate men. I needed to learn this.
My sister, I hear you. I see you. And I can tell you that if you are ever able to live, work, sleep (and thrive!) ALONE, you will be peaceful and happy like an independent old woman like me. 😘
This thread & many other situations AFFIRMS the ESSENTIAL NEED of FEMALE ONLY spaces and decentering men.
He should've NEVER been allowed here to begin with.
Nothing against you Ayo as we as women are still learning SUBSTACKs features/functions & other software/tech companies on how to better navigate our female ONLY digital spaces.
I'm sad for you. Mainly because you've convinced yourself that dehumanizing men and women by default is a good thing. Men who hate women also hate other men. Why? Because most women are actually surrounded by men who love them. And those men who hate women can't stand it. They want other men to hate women too. They preach it like the gospel. Those men are dangerous to both men and women. So you're no lover of women or yourself because you can't see men as anything but evil and somehow disappointing a loved one by way of being human is equivalent to rape and murder in your eyes. All women are loving and saints to you. You see a mother and dont see a woman whose convincing her sweet 6 year old neighbor boy to perform fallacio as a game and telling him how big of a man he is. You dont see the women convincing a gay boy to kill himself or how his grandma calls him a pussy or a bitch everyday because of how high his voice is at 10. You and women like you ignore even other women's abuse at the hands of their mothers. My partner, a female, was abused for years and years at the hands of her mother and she can barely speak on it without you "not all women" types. She didn't have a father because her mom was abusive and a pathological liar. The man who sored her probably doesn't even know she exists. Until I met my partner I had no idea myself the depths of some ppl let alone women. Because ironically the idea of women as perfect and harmless and men as evil and dangerous inherently is in fact sexist. The idea that both are equally capable of good and bad is in fact truth and women do as much evil and as much good as men but we live in a sexist world. Israel is a great example of how evil women are capable of being if we both gave them the opportunity and didnt ignore it when it happened.
Signed, a rape victim of a woman and an abuse survivor of a woman.
I'm sorry you went through abuse at the hand of a woman. No one deserves that. ❤️
However, I'm not saying that women don't abuse or that they are saints, far from it in fact. This is actually a personal essay. It's about my feelings and experience.
I feel where you coming from and I felt like this after my assault but other men who were also victims, told me I can't stay in this space. It's not freeing to live in hatred of women. I didnt live there long though. There's not many spaces that ain't racist af where you can sit in hatred of Black women. What would you say to me if I wrote about seeing child abusers and rapists in the eyes of my own women? If I saw no innocent Black women everywhere? I'd be a misogynist. Its your feelings and thoughts sis but you and others see no wrong in this way of seeing the world.
Chocolate pudding
this is amazingly written. also thanks for the perspective. bell hooks spoke about it a fair bit but it hits different seeing someone who’s probably around my age and in my general demographic describe it so anecdotally and with such raw pain. it was like blunt force trauma to something inside me. truthfully i don’t know yet what to do with it or how to react. maybe just remind myself to be better? somehow that doesn’t feel enough either. any which way i’m grateful that you had the courage to share.
Thank you 🤎
Are you in Nigeria or the west? Living in a patriarchal society must feel oppressive and unfair. Even living in supposedly “free” societies can be terrifying. I am so sorry little sister.
I will confess that your words sting but I understand. Nigerian men are a lot
It's men everywhere sha
Nigeria. Thank you 🙏
i have never resonated with an article more in my life.
🤎
i relate so much. people always ask why do you hate men instead of looking and analyzing the actions that men portray that would propel a woman to hate them. women don’t hate men for no reason. im lesbian and my hatred for men have absolutely nothing to do with my attraction to women, im not attracted to men at all and my disdain for them is because of their actions, reinforcement of patriarchal norms and misogyny.
I get you.
If we asked men the age they were when they first felt sexualized, when they first noticed someone looking at them with attraction, most would say it was in their late teens. Ask women, and many will recall the first time the hairs on their neck stood up, long before they even turned ten. We have been in harm's way since the womb, and we've been labeled spiteful when, in truth, we are simply the hunted, targeted not for who we are, but for the sake of domination and humiliation.
Female teachers rape young boys in their classes. Be sure to hug your 10 cats today.
Impressive. You managed to dodge the entire point and project your issues in one comment. Must be exhausting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 10 cats to hug, each one more emotionally intelligent than you.
Feminists are as devoid of intelligence as cats are. That’s why the two species gravitate to each other.
Just know that if you pass away, the cats will eat your corpse, if there isn’t any food left out for them.
The cats and I read your comment. We all agreed it was beneath us, especially since cats are actually highly intelligent creatures. Don’t worry though, your fantasy about my corpse says more about your mental state than mine.
Just know that feminism sold you a pile of rubbish. To be consumed by pet cats has to be the ultimate insult that can be visited on a feminist, by feminism.
I think the targeting is for who we are. I mean there are certainly men who want to dominate and humiliate everyone they come across... but I think they are a subset. For many more men, I think it's because they desire us and because they can't stand that we might not be as loving and attentive as mommy. There's that saying about how the sexes relate to each other: a man's worst fear is that a woman will laugh at him. A woman's worst fear is that a man will kill her. I've seen for myself and heard from women in my life, how that glowering rage appears when a woman has laughed at him or humiliated him--by his standards not hers, and likely without her even meaning to. It can happen when she's good at something and he feels inept by comparison.
It can happen when she's thinking about herself when he wants her attention on him. The guys who react badly to that are the very bad guys.
Well, there are also some boys who are early sexual targets; usually it's other men or older boys who are targeting them. Only sometimes is it a creepy woman. Very rarely, by comparison.
I knew a guy who was molested by his older cousin. It messed him up.
What you said just now made me think about what it's like to be seen lustfully...
as a girl, one learns pretty quickly what some people think your role should be. I wondered therefore if that old friend of mine "learned" that his role should be ____ and was deeply confused by that, for life.
I wonder how other boys who are molested deal with being a sexual object. Girls get so many messages... if we're lucky our moms tell us we should ignore the bad messages... but some moms might not know when their daughter starts feeling eyes on her, I'm thinking.
It's a rough world. And it's sliding backwards from where it was in the 90s, in my opinion, for where I am, anyway. It's now ok to say the most offensive things! I don't know how it was where you are but where I am, I was so shocked when the millennials started showing so much bias and crudity!
Well, you gave me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be puzzling over what happened to the guys I know who were in the situation if being perved on, and if they reacted anything at all like the women I know--afraid and worried from that point forward. I know lots of women who've been objectified from their earliest days. We all do, right? ... I was so frightened the first time a guy yelled out his car window at me... I didn't even develop as early as many of my friends, poor girls. W any woman even have to explain that to another woman? I doubt it.
My caution and any fear is backed up by the steady stream of abuse, harrassment, and threats I have received throughout my lifetime. It has made me shrink into myself. I am no longer the friendly child I started out as. Experience has shown me even the "good men" excuse and shield those who have harmed me and others. The most scared I have been in my life has been with men who were family or had said they loved me.
🤎🤎🫂🫂🫂I'm so sorry.
Ma'am
I was totally horrified to ask I read this and I could feel your fear as a woman
Coming to the comments section didn't help either cos what everyone seems to be saying is how women are better off living without men.
But then I thought too my self how come I've never thought of hitting a woman, how come I've never been violent to a woman, why do I have so many female friends despite the fact that I'm not good looking or wealthy.
You're dealing with two sides of a coin and it's sad that you think you're the only one who is not safe.
In this 21st century where women are high in power, where only an allegation of harassment can bring you down, even if it's not true (Johnny Depp and Amber heard case).
Even "NORAH VINCENT" tried living as a man and discovered how hard it was.
All I'm saying is this let go of that idea that every man is try to hurt you, and stop making it look like every man is a monster. There's a lot of young girls out here, you wouldn't want to be the reason why they spend the rest of their lifes in phobia of men.
Besides most men live in toxic homes or with partners who beat them and harass them every day yet no one talks about it
Okay. Why don't you start the movement.
Maybe when I'm legally an adult.
But just so you know there's still hope for humanity 🙂
And besides women has been in positions of power from time immemorial 🌚.
Stay safe 💞.
#genderequality
Fair assessment. It’s awful. I’m sorry.
Ayo, You are making this “second wave” feminist rethink some of my comments about women who say they hate all men. Your experiences have legitimately fueled this feeling As someone who doesn’t hate all men, I can understand why you do.
You’re having a visceral reaction based on the truth your body is telling you. Thank you for so bravely sharing that truth because I honestly didn’t get it until now.
I too have been harmed, betrayed, threatened by, diminished, and just plain scared almost to death by many men in my life. Other men have stepped up to be my protectors.
My brother would never say what your brother said. In your position, hating all men makes sense to me.
As far as David goes, you are referencing statistics that have nothing to do with Ayo’s reality or her feelings. Instead of learning from her and really trying to understand her reality, you are diminishing her and her very real fear. How manly of you. You prove her point even as you try to do the opposite.
Like you, Ayo, I have walked through much of my life afraid. Now that I’m older, it’s not as much of a problem. That’s one of the blessings of aging. Even so, the comment about how when women hate men we just want them to leave us alone, and when men hate women they intrude on our space, really hit home.
Thank you for your courage and for helping me reach a new understanding of women who hate men. I needed to learn this.
Thank you, Ayo! Continue to be true to yourself. ❤️
Thank you so much for leaving this comment. It's nice to see someone that agrees but doesn't have the same experiences as I do. ♥️
Sister, you are not alone.
🫂🤎
My sister, I hear you. I see you. And I can tell you that if you are ever able to live, work, sleep (and thrive!) ALONE, you will be peaceful and happy like an independent old woman like me. 😘
Awwww 😭😭😭thank you
I promise you, peace and independence are worth it. Never and I mean never do I wish I had a man in my house or life again.
I’ve never related to something more ! Thank you for putting this feeling into words ❤️
Why is HE (David) here?
This thread & many other situations AFFIRMS the ESSENTIAL NEED of FEMALE ONLY spaces and decentering men.
He should've NEVER been allowed here to begin with.
Nothing against you Ayo as we as women are still learning SUBSTACKs features/functions & other software/tech companies on how to better navigate our female ONLY digital spaces.
Love your work Ayo, it's truly truly AMAZING! 😊🙌🏾
Thank you so much. But yes, HE (David) just affrimed everything we have been saying didn't he? I agree with you on all counts.
LOVE THIS!!! 💛🖤🤍🙌🏾