Love life: Zero. Self-Worth: 100

They said dateable, I said debatable.

I kept putting off writing this essay because I didn't know what to write - I still don't.

When

MUBARAK

asked me to write about my love life, the first thing I did was laugh. Because waaaaa? How do I write about something I have zero experience in. Yes, it shames me to say that I have zero experience in the romance department. I know I'm not alone on that, but still, sometimes the world makes me feel that at my age (19) I ought to have gone on several dates, had 5 boyfriends and dunno maybe even had sex. Even 13 year olds have gone on dates and I've never even been asked out on one.

If you're like me, you're probably wondering, “Why don't you take the bull by the horns? Ask a guy out?” Trust me I've tried, it just ends up being embarrassing for the both of us. Yes, I'm a firm believer in not leaving your love life in the hands of a man, because why? If you like someone better talk, better don't be doing first to talk.

Then again, that's rich coming from someone who has never been on a date, never been kissed, if I could say never been hugged romantically, I'd add that one too. That's just how sad my love life is.

I've had two boyfriends and the part before we started dating was better than the actual dating for me. They've both been long distance (which I don't mind honestly) and they both lasted about 2 months.

Gawdddd am I the problem?

Nah definitely not. I'm too awesome. But that's not the point. The point is, love life zero. And it's not even like I'm not putting myself out there, I am.

However, there's a catch, the guys that do come to me are older men whom I know aren't talking to me cause they genuinely like me, but because they're looking for a young girl they can control. Don't know what part of me screams malleable sha. It's probably my doe eyes😌😌. Yup definitely the eyes.

But jokes apart, it doesn't help with one's self esteem when it seems like the only people attracted to you are older men who aren't even attracted but are just weird pedos that needed an ego boost.

And even the few guys I have met that appear to have taken an interest in me, let's just say that I'm unlucky. Because that's exactly what this love thing is. Luck.

Even after toning down my feminism and my essence just so I could be deemed dateable by these waste of spaces, they'd still say dumb stuff like “women are made for the kitchen.” Or “all these angry feminists that don't know…” like bro I'm one of the people you're condemning.

Funniest part is after disagreeing with them they'll still have the audacity to act like it's an honor for them to be talking to them. I blame myself sha. Na me cause am.

You may think that if toning myself down doesn't work; then I should try to be my authentic self. Yh, it doesn't work either. I've been called the devil, I've been told that men don't like women like me. I've been told that no one will marry me. So honestly it doesn't change much.

Now, for context I'm okay face wise meaning I'm not ‘ugly’ according to society but I'm not drop dead gorgeous either. And I don't have figure 8. I'm not slim thicc. I'm fat. Let's just say I'm not the poster child for desirability in Nigeria. So maybe that's it? I don't know o.

So yeah, I may not have a love life. But what I do have is sense. And standards. And the ability to spot a red flag from three time zones away. I may not know what a real date feels like, but I know what I won’t tolerate.

And if love ever finds me, I hope it finds me exactly as I am: opinionated, fat, feminist, and fantastic.