The Misogyny of the 'Good Father'
You can't be a good father and a bad husband.
A man who loves his daughter but disrespects her mother is not a good father.
He may think he is after all, he pays the bills, buys her clothes, supports her financially and emotionally and is her biggest cheerleader.
But when he constantly belittles his wife, embarrasses her, in some cases hits her and weaponises incompetence, we begin to wonder: does this man actually love his daughter.
Or is the ‘emotional support’ and ‘care’ he shows to her tied to their shared blood and not her humanity?
Too many Nigerian girls grow up watching their fathers insult their mothers. Sometimes in front of them, sometimes behind closed doors.
And yet, these same fathers are the ones who drop them at school, help with assignments, tell them they’re “going to be great.” We learn to compartmentalize. We learn that a man can be a hero and still be cruel, as long as the cruelty isn’t directed at us.
If you're thinking, “Well, people are complex and it's possible to be nice and mean at the same time. Good people do bad things all the time.” And I agree. But there is nothing ‘good’ about a man who treats the woman he promised to love and cherish for an eternity like trash then proceeds to treats his daughter like a princess and ‘protect’ her from men like himself. It's just not done.
What does it to do to a girl's mind, her sense of worth, seeing her mother being treated like unpaid staff by her husband? What happens when she grows up and says ‘the wrong thing’, expresses an emotion daddy doesn't like or dresses in a way that's true to her but outside of the box her father has placed her in?
What happens when daddy's girl, becomes someone's wife? Does she grow up thinking she's the exception, only to find herself years later making excuses for a partner who "loves" her but disrespects other women?
And let's not forget the sons.
They grow up seeing two versions of their father: the loving father and the not-so-loving husband. The one who takes them out for ice-cream on Friday and leaves his plate on the table expecting someone else - their mother - to clean it up.
What lessons do they learn? That it's fine to kill for your sister while treating your girlfriend like trash.
That it's okay to disrespect other women because they're not related to you.
That women have categories and that obedience is a marker for which ones get respect and which ones don't.
Now, this isn't just about some bad eggs or dysfunctional families. This is patriarchy in action - by categorizing women and determining who deserves to be respected and who deserves to be treated like dirt.
And it's brilliant really, keep women divided into categories, make some feel special and protected, and they'll help maintain the system that oppresses all of them.
Let's be clear. All women deserve respect. Not because you like them, or you're related to them, or they're palatable to you, or you agree with their life choices. No. But because they are human beings.
If you're reading this and feeling defensive, sit with that discomfort. Ask yourself: when was the last time you spoke to your wife the way you speak to your daughter? When was the last time you defended your wife with the same energy you use to defend your daughter?
Do you expect your daughter to clean up after herself but leave your own dishes in the sink? Do you tell your daughter she can be anything while dismissing your wife's dreams? Do you teach your daughter about consent while ignoring your wife's "no"?
Your daughter is watching. She's learning that the man who claims to love her most treats the woman who gave her life as disposable help. She's learning that love is conditional and respect is optional. She's learning that she's only valuable as long as she remains in the category of women you've deemed worthy.
So what does a good father look like?
He looks like the man, who treats his wife with respect and loves her fully and wholly. Who takes on an equal amount of emotional labor and mental work. He looks like the kind of man you wish your daughter would marry.
Too many women have lived this in real time: sexist husbands, loving fathers.
Let this father's day be the day that real love is modeled to daughters, ❤️
I know this is a tough read. But I wrote it with love. For every woman who grew up confused by a father who was kind to her but cruel to her mother. And for every man who’s ready to unlearn what he thought fatherhood meant.
Happy Father’s Day, to the men doing the work.
And then these daughters internalise it… thinking that men who treat them like shit are the ones for them because they’ve grown up watching their mothers/wives be treated like shit. Then they start to assume that humanity (and the treatment as so) is something only bestowed upon girls when they’re young. Before their femininity cancels out their humanity.
Moreover, the sad part is mothers just bearing every form of disrespect but teaching their children that their father is a good person is something which breaks my heart. Also, the children sometimes tend to treat their mothers like their fathers which shows the impact parents have on their children.