Who Will Marry You? Hopefully No One.

A Young Nigerian Woman’s Case Against Marriage

Young me

I've come a long way from the girl who used to cry at night because she thought no one would want to marry her.

Now, I'm the one that's seriously reconsidering this marriage thing. Omo.

I don't even know what I found so special about marriage back then. A part of me chalks it up to societal conditioning and expectations. I vaguely remember my dad mentioning - not to me - that I'd be married by 21. Ha! Turning 20 in a bit and I don't have a a boyfriend not to talk of serious relationship. But a lot can change in a year can't it?

You know the part where I said I was ‘seriously reconsidering this marriage thing?’ Well, I'm done with my consideration, and the verdict? Marriage is not for me. I'm just not seeing it in my future.

For one, I can't ignore the fact that marriage was just a way for women to be bound and controlled by their husbands. From the rulership of that of their fathers to that of their new husbands. Marriage was in a way a prison for women.

I say all of this in past tense, but ma parọ ka má jalè (let's not lie, let's not steal), marriage is still a trap for women. A lot of women get married to men, and then they go to work and still come back home to cook and clean. And when she starts having babies…

A lot of men on the other hand, marriage doesn't stop them from following other women and living their best lives. Probably because they're not the one's carrying the baby for 9 months. Not the ones who have to be hospitalized and go through post-partum depression or the multitude of other risks and effects women are exposed to when they decide to give birth.

And in this country, a lot of men don't see it as anything if they cheat on their wives. So long as their providing and they come back home.

Before you say it, yes I know. People, women, are redefining what marriage means to them. They're choosing to get married on their own terms and they're not taking bullshit from the men they choose to marry. And that is good. Totally amazing and I'm here for it.

But I see marriage as limiting and restrictive. In the sense that it's so easy to get married and so hard to get a divorce. That's extremely suspicious if you ask me.

I can't count the number of times I've heard that women should endure nonsense from their husbands because they are married.

We've all heard it, ‘marriage is a sacred institution, if he's beating you it must be for a reason’ or ‘you took vows before god, marriage is not a bed of roses so suck it up’. And these are mostly said to the women because we're the ones who have been trained as though our entire lives were an audition to be a wife. We're the one's who have been asked ‘is that how you'll behave in your husbands house?’ So, while a lot of men can be married and still be doing their shenanigans. Women don't have that luxury. We are not given that much grace.

You know how I mentioned that ‘I see marriage as limiting and restrictive’? Well, I also find it strange. Like, what’s the law got to do with my love life? Why do I need a piece of paper to prove I love someone? To promise that we’ll be together forever?

I know, with my full chest that a lot of couples are together only because they are married and they respect the sanctity of marriage . Me, I don't ever want that for myself. I want to be with my partner because I choose it. Not because we are legally bound. I want to wake up everyday and make that decision, even when it's hard. I don't ever want to make a statement like ‘thank god we're married or else…’

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that people seem to take married couples more seriously than they do long term relationships. I mean what's the difference between a serious relationship of 7 years and a marriage of 7 years. I say a piece of paper.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

I may change my mind one day, and I may not. But what I know for sure is that I'm no longer that little girl that used to cry at night wondering who would marry her.

Now I'm the girl who stays up at night dreaming about all the things I want to do with my life. And marriage? Marriage is not on that list. I want to travel, I want to build something meaningful, I want to love freely without contracts. I want to be somebody's choice, not their obligation.

Of course, saying all of this out loud in Lagos is like announcing you don't want rice at a party - people look at you like something is fundamentally wrong with you. My family will have field day when they hear this. 'Ah ah, this girl, what is wrong with you? You want to die alone?' But honestly, I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.

So what now? Now I focus on becoming the kind of person I actually want to be, not the kind of woman someone else might want to marry. And if love comes - real love, the kind that doesn't need a certificate to prove itself - then we'll see. But I'm not sitting around waiting for it anymore.

Recent me