Firstly let me say, I loved every word of this. The way marriage is put on a pedestal in Rwanda, it’s like you’ve committed murder if you decide not to “find” a husband. I’ve known since I was 6 that I did not want children or to get married and to this day it’s seen as shameful. How dare you as a woman have a choice over how you’d like to live the one life you’ve been given?!
Girl I'm screaming from the top of the mountains cheering for you! As a divorced mom, I feel like I was coerced into marriage by patriarchal messages and family pressure. My advice to younger girls is don't get married! You'll be so much happier in the long run. Love love love this so much for you.
Men are not the prize. Getting married is not winning. Marriage is an institution used to enslave women. Men do not do their fair share of child rearing, household cleaning and mental labor. They expect all of that for women for free. If no one marries you, you won.
I am so glad to see more younger women thinking this way. As someone who has recently divorced an emotionally abusive husband of 15+ years, I don't plan to ever marry again. My number one piece of advice for women who are contemplating marriage is, "DON'T DO IT!" Not only can you find romantic partnership outside marriage, but you can also prioritize your friendships and create different family structures, should you choose to have children, that are more aligned with your needs. Marriage has never been designed to benefit women, and it still doesn't. So many women who are committed to changing the terms still eventually find themselves stuck in inequitable relationships. You do you!
I can relate to so many things you say when it comes to social expectations from women in terms of marriage even though I am Indian. I do want to get married but I do not place it in the highest priority for me and never had cause honestly, my mind could see that most men are not marriage material. They want to have a wife and children without being an actual husband and father. They want the tag without doing their role properly and without breaking the toxic cycle of patriarchy and even racism. So I have been single and focusing on myself. It is the same issue in India and for Indian women. Very few women have feminist husbands, most men even self proclaimed "feminist" ones want a cookie and award for not being like other men or for sharing the house chores (as if it is not their house and relationship) and pat on their back for doing the basic human decency even when it comes to relationship. They think if they bring money for which they even might go 50/50 cause they are "feminist" or "alpha" or "conservative" or "leftist" ( most are from same boat, just with different tag to get to manipulate women) even if they are paid more than their spouse. I can really understand that part where you said if love finds me then we will see cause same here..
I started to become disillusioned with the idea of marriage around the time I realized I was attracted to women. as you said, tons of people find meaning in their marriages but as an institution, it's a concept invented because of patriarchy (so unsurprisingly it made me feel on the outskirts as a lesbian LOL). tbh I think a lot of the appeal for many women is the idea of weddings - for those of us who fit into cultural norms of womanhood, who doesn't want an extravagant party where we get to wear a beautiful gown and feel like royalty? but that doesn't make a relationship any more valid, it's a show to put on for other people. I feel like I can't verbalize my thoughts, but I very much agree with your essay!! much love 💗
I don’t know any woman who is happy in a marriage…..some pretend to be but they just don’t have the financial means to get out and/or feel forced to stay due to religious reasons/fear of loss of family if they divorce.
bell hooks says “most men psychologically terrorize their partners” so why would anyone want to sign up for that? I found 4 men in my life that did indeed do that after some time in the relationship. It often takes 1 to 5 years for their mask to fall off and you find the true person underneath.
Good for you. My view of "marriage is not worth it" is gotten from the number of bad marriages around me. I can't even find a single one where the husband is not cheating or acting like a demon sent to wreck havoc. Jeezzzz!!
You are 100% right. I’m going through a divorce after 5 years and I would NOT suggest it. You’re signing up for unpaid labor (because you will be dealing with most of the work load) and yes marriage is very restrictive and limiting. Your freedom is the most priceless thing you will ever have. Enjoy! 🥰
Firstly let me say, I loved every word of this. The way marriage is put on a pedestal in Rwanda, it’s like you’ve committed murder if you decide not to “find” a husband. I’ve known since I was 6 that I did not want children or to get married and to this day it’s seen as shameful. How dare you as a woman have a choice over how you’d like to live the one life you’ve been given?!
Like how dare you step outside of the script and decide to think for yourself
The ideal marriage is not what we see neither experience this days. It's just continuity without purpose to fufil peoples righteousness .
I'm sure that deliberate and accountable fellows are out there! It's possible to marry right! It's true correct men exist.
Girl I'm screaming from the top of the mountains cheering for you! As a divorced mom, I feel like I was coerced into marriage by patriarchal messages and family pressure. My advice to younger girls is don't get married! You'll be so much happier in the long run. Love love love this so much for you.
Goshhh😭😭 thank you 🤎
Thanks for this wonderful article!
Of course ❤️🤗
Men are not the prize. Getting married is not winning. Marriage is an institution used to enslave women. Men do not do their fair share of child rearing, household cleaning and mental labor. They expect all of that for women for free. If no one marries you, you won.
Reallll
I am so glad to see more younger women thinking this way. As someone who has recently divorced an emotionally abusive husband of 15+ years, I don't plan to ever marry again. My number one piece of advice for women who are contemplating marriage is, "DON'T DO IT!" Not only can you find romantic partnership outside marriage, but you can also prioritize your friendships and create different family structures, should you choose to have children, that are more aligned with your needs. Marriage has never been designed to benefit women, and it still doesn't. So many women who are committed to changing the terms still eventually find themselves stuck in inequitable relationships. You do you!
Thanks for the advice! 🤎
I can relate to so many things you say when it comes to social expectations from women in terms of marriage even though I am Indian. I do want to get married but I do not place it in the highest priority for me and never had cause honestly, my mind could see that most men are not marriage material. They want to have a wife and children without being an actual husband and father. They want the tag without doing their role properly and without breaking the toxic cycle of patriarchy and even racism. So I have been single and focusing on myself. It is the same issue in India and for Indian women. Very few women have feminist husbands, most men even self proclaimed "feminist" ones want a cookie and award for not being like other men or for sharing the house chores (as if it is not their house and relationship) and pat on their back for doing the basic human decency even when it comes to relationship. They think if they bring money for which they even might go 50/50 cause they are "feminist" or "alpha" or "conservative" or "leftist" ( most are from same boat, just with different tag to get to manipulate women) even if they are paid more than their spouse. I can really understand that part where you said if love finds me then we will see cause same here..
I love that for you. Glad that marriage is not your number 1 priority too.
I started to become disillusioned with the idea of marriage around the time I realized I was attracted to women. as you said, tons of people find meaning in their marriages but as an institution, it's a concept invented because of patriarchy (so unsurprisingly it made me feel on the outskirts as a lesbian LOL). tbh I think a lot of the appeal for many women is the idea of weddings - for those of us who fit into cultural norms of womanhood, who doesn't want an extravagant party where we get to wear a beautiful gown and feel like royalty? but that doesn't make a relationship any more valid, it's a show to put on for other people. I feel like I can't verbalize my thoughts, but I very much agree with your essay!! much love 💗
Thank you
I've been thinking about this for a while now. I'm so glad it's not only me.
Because if what I'm seeing around is what marriage is bringing, then I don't want it.
Same luv. Same
The world conspires to get Black women to be single all their lives.
I don’t know any woman who is happy in a marriage…..some pretend to be but they just don’t have the financial means to get out and/or feel forced to stay due to religious reasons/fear of loss of family if they divorce.
bell hooks says “most men psychologically terrorize their partners” so why would anyone want to sign up for that? I found 4 men in my life that did indeed do that after some time in the relationship. It often takes 1 to 5 years for their mask to fall off and you find the true person underneath.
Totally not worth the risk!
Thank you for this!
Good luck!
not the point but you're very pretty 😍
Thank you 🥹🥹
Good for you. My view of "marriage is not worth it" is gotten from the number of bad marriages around me. I can't even find a single one where the husband is not cheating or acting like a demon sent to wreck havoc. Jeezzzz!!
The bad marriages in my life are less subtle the men may not be cheating trust me, but they're just as bad.
Sending lots of consensual hugs and kisses 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗.
Thanks ♥️ youuuu!
Ouuuu. Thank you😂🫂
You are 100% right. I’m going through a divorce after 5 years and I would NOT suggest it. You’re signing up for unpaid labor (because you will be dealing with most of the work load) and yes marriage is very restrictive and limiting. Your freedom is the most priceless thing you will ever have. Enjoy! 🥰
Sending lots of consensual hugs and kisses 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗
Thanks ♥️ youuuu!